Anti-soc
I am Xennial, so I used to archive life on paper, but hardly noticed when everything went computer phones. Concerts, trips, milestones, Friday nights memorialized in stacks of c.1984-2006 photo albums (and shoeboxes of the tacky B roll). FB, and then IG, became the new albums - a natural switch to digital just like everything in my lifetime - blurring the line between personal scrapbooking and open access sharing. Social was the latest way to record what I had to show for myself, share memories in real time, keep up with dear and distant friends and family, and join communities for my interests. What could go wrong? Surely we can’t pinpoint a moment of its shift to the dark side. It must have been a slow downward spiral into the cluster it’s become? Ad trap, “news” source, perfection tracker, rant catalogue (gosh this might be a rant), passive-aggressive shame tool, outright bullying. What was touted as a means for unprecedented connection is now often the stark opposite of that. And that was before 2020 happened. But some (condescending) posts that I’ve scrolled (judgmental) past in the last twelve (insensitive) (grotesque) months have left me in disbelief (oh wow, you just said that on Facebook…but would you say that to a face?).
And it’s caused me to refrain, no, to recoil from “socializing”.
So maybe the reality is that there is no venue for social interaction that doesn’t contain both its best and worst traits. Perhaps the scummery of Social was always there in tandem with its perks. Certainly duality exists in all things, but this time, this pandemic, has made it really hard to focus on the silver linings of beloved dog antics and my cousins’ kids’ halloween costumes. It’s left me feeling like I can only manage to peer around the doorways of my scrolly squares…like the friend who stops by your party and then is gone without a goodbye; that “reluctantly popular introvert” with a cautious smile, an unfocused gaze. Sincere congrats (one quick glass), thumbs up (a few cheese straws), care emoji and I’m (early meeting) out. Anything more has been counterproductive in the battle I’m always barely winning against anxiety. But it’s been hard enough to have to be physically distant, how anti-social can I get??
As we close in on a full year since the modern D-day marking lockdown, I can clearly remember the first time I heard the term ‘social distance’. I could tell you the person who said it, like it was old familiar jargon while I blinked and tried to figure out what the fork that even meant…nodding, sure my face belied my ignorance, then the dread as the term hit my guts. I could feel loss looming, panic blowing in. The closest I’ve ever felt to an oft imagined zombie apocalypse…that turning point, the literal Ides of March, when we hung in the balance and then the world called halt. Shelter. STFH. You know the rest.
But despite the ruin on the path just behind me, back there where 2020 laid waste to my silly plans, I haven’t stopped living. And I’m still recording my life in (13k+) photos and videos, but somewhere along the way I stopped feeling excited? free? worthy? to share much of it.
Oh, and I’m not a reluctantly popular introvert…I am none of those words. I’m the one with chronic FOMO who is extra-extra needy for connection. Not that I want to be the center of attention because that makes my neck hot, but I have absolutely always wanted to be in the room where shit happens.
The other thing that I’ve always been is nearly annoyingly optimistic. I mentioned the silver linings. I can and will find that bright-freaking-side, no matter what. Hmm…maybe your flat tire in the rain at night is a blessing in disguise!?! I am here to solve your problems AND pump you up! But so many things have happened that I can’t make sense of, my outlook has deflated, it’s flatter than your tire. I know the silver linings are there, but I find myself looking past them, clinging to the glaring touches of grey. Is this new drab pessimist…me?
And if so…how will she archive with one foot out the door of the happening room? Back to analog? Oh the horror. Abandon milestones and memories? That’d be worse.
For now I’ll just keep standing here on the cusp - of the room, of a global pandemic, of a generation, and look forward to re…connecting.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xennials