Too much Hustle, not enough Flow…reflections on my year of “No”.
I stopped doing New Year’s Resolutions ten years ago because I’ve always hated how they made me feel - like as soon as I make one I’m as good as a failure. Quit smoking! and, Get in shape girl! Those used to be mine, over and over. I did finally do the former (my final resolution), but I’m still not sure if I’ve ever been in shape - or honestly out of shape - in all my life. This is the body it is…with daily activity and daily ice cream. I digress.
Meanwhile, I’m a decade free of the burden of January 1 resolve when, totally coincidentally, at the end of 2022, I DID make a very earnest agreement with myself to spend the year of 2023 managing my time differently. Call it a resolution if you want to, I’m going to remain in denial on that point. Just a decision I made in the dead of winter to wish my life ‘simpler’.
The goal was (and remains) to say NO, often. It’s not natural for me, I’ve been a YES person for as long as I can remember. I want to help, fix, solve, remedy, placate, support and maybe above all else NOT MISS OUT on any opportunity to DO THE THINGS - with friends, family, coworkers, and most of all my dogs. Gosh even now that all sounds like so much fun! FOMO much?
So why stop Yes-ing all the time?? Two reasons, well three.
1. Exhaustion, overwhelm, actual health complications. What felt like an odd rash of “bad things” happening (but was probably just life) beginning in August 2022 had led me down a spiraling vortex of melancholy and three day migraines. My algorithm conveniently hooked me up with the news that I might not just need a day off and a mani/pedi, the problem might be more serious…Burnout. It’s a real thing, there’s a definition for it, I saw it here and here and again here - I know, confirmation bias, but if the shoe fits…
2. My badge of honor connected to an “achievement = value” mindset has kept me addicted to the rewarding sensation of all-important busy-ness. I have been treading water in the deep end of the grind-culture Kool-aid pool since that day in my thirties when I realized I was missing a proper ‘side hustle’ and needed to get one pronto. (Of course that wasn’t really the start of my pesky habit of deriving my self-worth from a sense of accomplishment, but that’s a dive into an even wider and much deeper pool.)
3. Realizations 1 and 2 led me to more careful self examination that further revealed at least one major motivator for my calendar filling behaviors - Belonging.
Daily thought pattern:
Do people need me?
Do I fit in?
Does everybody LIKE me??
All screaming subconscious questions intrinsically linked to my overzealous availability and my ultimate FO the terrifying ramifications of MO.
So how is No-ing going? Conflictingly well.
I thought saying “No” would mean ruffling feathers or letting people down…and sometimes it has felt that way. And, of I course I have genuinely missed some of the people I’ve not seen as a side product of my new practice. BUT, most of the time I’ve been met with understanding, and I’ve realized I deserve that.
Without a doubt the “No” practice has made me better at choosing where to put my focus, and the free space I’ve found in something that I’ve learned is called a “weekend”, has allowed me to explore some long-simmering interests.
I’ve also made some progress on what they call “relaxing”, which has always been embarrassingly hard for me. (Dentist: relax your jaw, Me: Did I do it? Hair stylist: relax your shoulders, Me: So press them downward?, Manicure tech: relax your finger, Me: HALP!) Muscle tension is an issue for me. SO, I did say YES to several medical grade deep tissue massages that were kinda life-altering, and even used our bathtub(?!) for the first time(!!)…like some Calgon woman zoning out in a haze of do-or-die self-care. Taken away for a full four minute steep, but baby steps, right?
I do still say Yes when I want to, but I do believe I’ve succeeded in some measure at rejecting the “hustle”. I was grinding too much, and now it’s less.
Now, forward to the Flow.
For my totally not a resolution so it’s not even possible to fail at it since there’s zero pressure there, 2024 will (could, might) be all about The FLOW.
Finding the flow, maintaining the flow - we all know what flow is right?
Per Oxford: flow /flo/: verb. A steady, continuous stream of…something.
I know it when I feel it. I’m actually there in this moment, a little. But I want more.
Happy 2024!